


the love song of vax'ildan vessar

by TechnicalTragedy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Heartache, M/M, Marriage, Multi, Pining, Slow Burn, Team as Family, lots more scanlan than i expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 10:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9603086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/TechnicalTragedy
Summary: Over the course of ten years, Vax acquires a band, a family, worldwide success, a lot of emotional baggage, a quasi-little brother, and the love of his life. Sometimes not in that particular order, but Scanlan helps a lot.He figures it out eventually.





	

**Author's Note:**

> oh man,, this got a lil out of hand. it took me three weeks to write the first 2k and two days for the other 10k. i would like to thank [dave](http://shorthalt.tumblr.com) and a huge thank u to [mac](http://thegoldenlocks.tumblr.com) for listening to me yell abt this fic and helping me out. this is a labor of love and i rly hope u enjoy it.
> 
> sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes i'll go thru and edit it later probably.

The problem is that Vax doesn’t really want to share a room with Percy. He likes Percy just fine, but he’s not sure he can easily make the transition from Vex to a virtual stranger. His whole life, he’s shared everything with Vex: space, time, food, thoughts. Just the thought of being separated from his twin for a prolonged period of time, even by something so insignificant as a wall and a closed door, feels like the end of the world to Vax. Those feet between himself and Vex might as well be light years.

Probably because of that, Vax is starting to resent Percy a little bit.

 

He’s such a contradiction, all slick and pompous over an inner layer of self-hatred and insecurity. Percy has a long, godawful name that Vax can never quite remember, and he wears as a badge of pride, like it’s a great thing that he has forty names and people can barely recall one of them. Vax thinks he’s an utterly frustrating being, with his stupid Harry Potter-looking glasses, his shock of white hair that doesn’t even look unnatural, the huge sweaters he likes to swamp himself in, his crooked jaw and his gangly limbs and his semi-permanent stubble. Vax doesn’t hate him, thinks he’s a kind, if reclusive and overly-polite, person. The fact remains that he is indirectly responsible for splitting Vax and Vex up.

 

It’s not like Vax is determined to despise him or anything, but he needs something to blame his fruitless anger on, and Percy is the closest available something. Maybe it’s unfair, but Vax is weirded out by this new world he’s been thrust into and he has to do something.

 

Yeah, it’s selfish. Vax recognizes that. He never wanted to be in this group, had always figured it would just be him and Vex against the world. But across the hall he can hear the soft tenor of Scanlan’s voice singing some unfamiliar song. Through the wall, Vax hears the cadence of Pike’s voice, a peal of laughter from Keyleth and Vex’s quieter giggling. Percy is tapping away at his computer and Vax can almost see his mind working as he composes. At first, Vax thought it was weird that Percy and Scanlan got on so well, but after seeing the singleminded devotion they both gave to making music, he could fully understand the draw between them. He wishes he could find something he feels that strongly about.

 

Perhaps Vax doesn’t really hate Percy. He just wants his sister back.

 

This whole thing they have, this band, group, whatever they’re calling it, is an experiment. It’s an experiment, and if it fails the seven of them are out on their asses. They lost Tiberius quick, when he realized he’d rather study music than create music, and that had been the first indication that some of them might not make it. Vax wants to make it, he does, but some days he worries he just isn’t good enough.

 

“Can you stop thinking so loudly?” Percy says, casual, his fingers still flying over the keys of his laptop. “Don’t worry so much, Vax.”

 

Vax scoffs at him, puts his earbuds in, but tries his best to stop making himself sick with all the anxiety he feels. The nearer their debut date comes, the more Vax wants to throw in the towel and call it quits. He’s just got to start believing that he can do this - that they can do this.

 

It takes a couple more hours, but eventually Percy turns his laptop off and heads for bed.

 

The lamp flicks off behind Percy and he settles into the narrow twin opposite Vax’s own. He’d stopped listening to his music an hour or so ago, letting the clicking of the keyboard lull him into a half sleep. Vax listens to Percy shuffle around, his blankets rustling as he makes himself comfortable. It’s the only noise beside the whirring of the fan. Finally, he settles, and something in Vax does, too.

 

Moments tick past, until finally, “Percival?” Vax says into the dark.

 

“Yes?” Percy’s answer comes immediately.

 

Vax wets his lips, not really sure why he even decided to bother Percy, but it’s out there now so he may as well just ask the question that’s been on his mind. “Do you think we can do this? Like, the seven of us. Will we be successful?”

 

Percy is quiet for a long time, long enough that Vax worries he’s gone to sleep, but then, “Yes,” Percy says.

 

The conviction in his voice makes Vax believe it too, and a weight is lifted from his shoulders.

“Okay,” he says.

 

“Sleep well,” Percy says.

 

Vax turns away from him to face the wall, hope blossoming warm in his chest. “Yeah. You too, Freddy.”

 

 

\- - -

 

  
They make their debut, and, surprising maybe no one but Vax, Vox Machina is a hit within a certain demographic. Their following isn't huge, but the turnout at their first real concert leaves Vax floundering, feeling suddenly overwhelmed and out of his depth entirely. But the ecstasy he experiences up on that stage, the lightness in his chest as he dances and sings and plays with his bandmates, that lets him know that he's meant to be there.

 

They’ve all grown close over the almost six months of preparing. Vax is starting to think of this band of misfits as his family, and he’s sure he couldn’t find a better one anywhere in the world. He loves them all.

 

And yeah, Vax can admit he’s a little infatuated with Percy.

 

It’s hard to not be infatuated with Percy, honestly. He’s handsome and kind and clever and devoted to their success with a fervor matching Scanlan’s, which is really saying something. He’s touchy, too, likes to wrap himself around whoever happens to be closest, and that’s something Vax has always been weak to. He’s come a long way in these past few months. The problem is that Vax is pretty sure Percy is into Vex, which isn’t ideal. When Vax first realized that maybe Percy’s gaze lingered a bit too long on Vex, it had been a sharp pain in his chest, a betrayal that Percy didn’t even realize he was committing.

 

When it’s just Percy and Vax in their room, though, Vax can almost convince himself it isn’t true.

 

“Vax!” Scanlan says when they’re getting ready for a concert, halfway into their outfits for the night.

 

“Hm?” Vax says absently, trying to button his shirt one handed while he balances against the counter with the other, cursing the fact that he all of a sudden can’t find his other shoe.

 

Scanlan comes over and starts buttoning the shirt for him, a fond expression on his face. “So,” Scanlan says, “as the leader of our little group, I think it’s only right that we have a talk.”

 

“About what?” Vax asks, kicking his foot around under the counter to try and find the missing shoe.

Scanlan slides the last button through. “Percy.”

 

Vax freezes, everything grinding to a halt and cold fear dropping into his stomach. “Why? Did something happen?”

 

“It’s nothing bad, don’t worry,” Scanlan says, grinning. “I just want to know your intentions.”

 

The relief that had poured over Vax is quickly dispelled. This is literally the last thing he wants to talk about before they go onstage. He’s going to be distracted the whole time if they do this now. “Do we have to have this conversation?” Vax says.

 

“Of course we do, Vaccine,” Scanlan says. “As your leader it’s my business to make sure the both of you don’t do anything that will jeopardize this group.”

 

“We aren’t going to,” Vax says. His toe finally hits the shoe he’s been looking for.

 

Scanlan sighs and bends down, helping Vax put his shoe on like he’s an infant who doesn’t know how to. “If you two break up, it will cause a lot of tension in the group. People might try to take sides and it could tear us apart.”

 

Vax frowns at Scanlan. “Percy and I aren’t together,” he says.

 

“Oh, I know,” Scanlan says. “But I see the way you look at him. I want you to be happy, but you gotta be careful, and be sure.” He flashes Vax his trademark grin and makes his exit.

 

Vax, predictably, spends the whole concert overthinking everything, but he doesn’t fuck up too badly, dances his heart out as per usual and has a great time when he forgets to be concerned. Percy lays down a freestyle rap, obviously feeling awkward about it but the crowd eats it up. Vax sees a several signs with Percy’s name on them and he thinks it’s an omen. Of course Percy would be the most popular one in the ragtag bunch. Who wouldn’t love him, really? Even Keyleth, the most socially awkward person Vax has ever met, is more outgoing around him, is out at ease by his familiar way of speaking and his crooked jaw, crooked grin, shock of white hair.

 

After the concert ends, Vox Machina make their way to the van lethargically, only lingering for a bit to cater to the fans who stuck around long enough to catch them leaving. They’re exhausted, but can’t stop smiling as they settle into their van.

 

“You think it’ll always be like this?” Keyleth asks from where her head rests on Percy’s shoulder.

 

He tucks her fiery red hair behind an ear. “We get more popular every day.”

 

“Maybe soon we’ll be big enough I can take my shirt off more than once per concert,” Grog says.

 

Pike pats his huge thigh with her tiny little hand, grinning up at her brother. “The fans sure do love when you do that, Groggy. I’m sure that you’ll be able to take your shirt off as much as you want someday.”

 

Vex twines her fingers through Vax’s, drawing his attention away from Percy. “You seem like you’re somewhere else,” she notes.

 

“I’m right here, sister dearest,” Vax says, squeezing her hand.

 

She blows a raspberry at him, because she’s very mature, and says, “You know what I mean, asshole.”

Because Vax is also very mature, he gives his sister a wet willy and laughs as she shrieks. The conversation Vex was trying to have is forgotten in favor of staunchly ignoring her brother despite his best attempts to get her to forgive him.

 

The van ride seems to last forever when the only pastime Vax has is wanting.

 

Once they're safely home, the seven of them disperse quickly, disappearing into the two showers or to their bedrooms, where they'll probably pass out before they get a chance at the showers. Vax and Percy both retire to their room; they prefer showering in the morning, anyway. They swap into their pajamas, Vax falling facefirst onto his bed with a low groan while Percy is still shimmying out of his ridiculously tight skinny jeans. Vax has to admit that his thighs are killer in them, though.

 

“You're staring,” Percy says mildly once he's out of his jeans, standing there clad in only his tight t-shirt and bright blue briefs.

 

Vax feels himself flushing and looks away. “Sorry,” he says.

 

Percy laughs to himself. “It's alright, Vax, I'm a bit of an exhibitionist anyway.”

 

An inhuman noise tears out of Vax's throat and he buries his face in the pillow, trying to hide from his embarrassment. It doesn't block out Percy's cackling, though.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Things gets hectic.

 

Scanlan and Percy, with occasional input from the rest of the band, compose furiously. They spend whole days locked in the studio, working around the clock to get a full-length album ready so Vox Machina can go from a band with an EP and several covers to a band with an album, an EP, and several covers. After a few months of erratically-timed concerts, recording session upon recording session, stress, and late-night cuddlepile sessions in their common room, they have an album.

 

The lead single, “The Trick About Falling,” blows up overnight and takes Vox Machina along with it.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Already, people are making blogs dedicated to them, are waving signs that say “I LOVE YOU SCANLAN” or “PERCY IS THE BEST! <3” or a multitude of other things that make Vax feel like he’s on cloud nine. The fans love them, really love them, and Vax has never felt more honored to be a part of something than when he stands onstage amid all those screaming people and hears his own name in the mix. He gets to experience it with his family, his amazing and talented family, and it’s the best feeling in the world.

 

Vox Machina is invited to do interviews, visit on radio shows, a million and one things that they make sure to cram into their schedule. The label is pleased with them, proud that their experiment is working out how they'd wanted it to.

 

Pretty quickly, their fans decide that Percy and Vax belong together, and that opens up a whole new can of worms for Vax.

 

They're suddenly expected to show a certain level of affection for one another in the public eye. Onstage, Percy creeps up behind Vax and hugs him, they reach for one another every time they cross paths, they wink and blow kisses and tease each other relentlessly. The worst part is that Vax sometimes forgets it's fake. They're friends, sure, and Percy is still a handsy kind of guy, but Vax knows Percy doesn't feel anything romantic toward him. Not when Vax still catches him staring at Vex for just a second more than he should, not when Percy has fans throwing themselves at him because he's great and sweet and everything anybody could want in a person.

 

So Vax finds things to pass the time.

 

Pike practices playing the violin a lot, Scanlan oftentimes joining her on whatever instrument he feels like messing with that day, and Vax sits with them. Scanlan tries to teach both Pike and Vax how to play his instruments, and most of the time neither of them are very good at it, but he encourages them anyway like a good leader should. One time, Scanlan catches Vax playing the piano, a melody he'd come up with himself, and asks him to compose a song. He helps Vax through the process, helps him workshop the lyrics. When they have a rough draft of the song, Vax's raw vocals laid over top of what Scanlan calls a “soaring instrumental,” Scanlan pulls the rug out from under Vax.

 

“I think you should work on a solo EP,” he says, soft in the ringing silence after the track has ended.

 

Vax blinks at him, too shocked to be afraid or nervous. “Me? I can't be a soloist.”

 

Scanlan frowns. “I understand it sounds kind of daunting, but I know you could do it.” When Vax opens his mouth to protest, Scanlan pushes on, “You're such a powerful vocalist, Vax. This song we just finished, it's amazing. Don't think I didn't notice how angry you were to be in the group, at first. You wanted to be a duo with Vex, right? What changed?”

 

“I found a family,” Vax says. The confession feels heavy on his tongue.

 

The two of them stare at each other for several moments, Scanlan's eyes gone softer, but retaining the edge that never quite fades. “We're your family,” Scanlan says.

 

Vax swallows, nods.

 

Scanlan nods back. “Okay. I won't push, but this conversation isn't over.”

 

The studio feels haunted when Scanlan leaves, like he was the only thing keeping the shadows at bay. Vax has no desire to stay here, not any longer, so he shuts it all down, saving everything, and makes his way back home, hoping he can get there before dinner starts.

 

The next time they talk, almost two months later, Scanlan corners Vax once again before a concert when they're both in states of undress. Scanlan is pulling his pants up, checking himself every two seconds in the mirror like he's afraid he's buttoning himself in wrong. Percy and Grog are already dressed, both waiting for everybody else to get done. The crowd at this concert is the biggest they've had, and it both terrifies and exhilarates Vox Machina, for some more one than the other. Vax is pretty sure Keyleth almost fainted when she saw how many people were out there.

 

“What about a small group, then?” Scanlan says.

 

“For what?” Vax asks, smoothing a hand down the front of his t-shirt and wondering if he's underdressed despite the various assurances from their stylists that he'll be fine.

 

Scanlan sighs like Vax is slow on the uptake, starting to tug his shoes on. “You don't wanna be a solo artist, so how about a small group? You and one, maybe two other people. How's that sound? I would let you pick the people.”

 

Vax stills, staring at Scanlan in the mirror as if indirect eye contact is better than turning to face him fully. “Why are you so adamant about this?” he asks. “Do you want to get rid of me so bad?”

 

Serious in a way he never is, Scanlan approaches Vax, one hand on the small of his back encouraging him to turn. The world seems to be holding its breath, hinging on the words Scanlan is going to say. “I know you were made for this,” he says. Vax swallows. “I've seen the way you look onstage, like it's natural and it's where you were born to be. You like performing, yeah? I know it's a little early in your career to think about this, so you can have as much time as you want. Years, if that's what it takes. But I want you to really think about this, okay? People are always gonna underestimate you, and I want you to be able to do anything you want. Just promise me you'll consider it.”

 

“Yeah,” Vax says, because he holds Scanlan in extremely high regard, knows his leader is far more wise than he lets on. “I'll think about it, promise.”

 

Scanlan pats Vax's back and leaves for final preparations.

 

Vax shakes himself out, trying to get the weight of this decision off his shoulders before he goes onstage. But Scanlan's right. When Vax is performing, it feels like coming home, finally. It feels like comfort in a way that he's only ever felt around Vex. So he'll think about it.

 

Later, after the concert, Vex catches him before he has a chance to climb into the van, asking for a moment alone.

 

“I think you should do it,” she says when they're tucked away from prying eyes and eavesdroppers.

 

Vax tilts his head at her, for once not understanding what his twin is trying to say. “You think I should do what?”

 

Vex locks her fingers around his wrist, a familiar gesture. “What Scanlan wants you to do. Be a soloist or in a smaller group, or whatever. I didn't catch all of it, but I think you should go for it.”

 

“Vex,” Vax says, but he isn't quite sure what to say after that.

 

“Vax,” Vex says, in the same tone of voice. “I'm serious. I know how much you wanted it to just be you and me. It's not like you're getting kicked out of the group, you're just doing activities in addition to what you do with Vox Machina.”

 

Vax groans. “We shouldn't split the group so early, though, we're only just getting popular.”

 

Vex shrugs. “Then wait a couple years. It doesn't have a time limit.”

 

The twins stare at each other, determination written in Vex's face, and Vax knows he's powerless to refuse anything of his sister. He deflates, running his free hand through his sweaty hair. “I'll tell you what I told Scanlan. I'll think about it. But will you think about it, too?”

 

“He didn't ask me to,” Vex says.

 

Vax turns his wrist in her grasp, not to escape but to express his displeasure with her answer. “Yeah, but I'm asking you to. I can't do this without you, sister. I want you by my side.”

 

And, easy as can be, Vex grins. “Then I'll think about it, brother,” she says. “I want you with me, too.”

 

The matter decided, the two of them return to the van, brushing off the mild complaints from everybody else who look halfway asleep already, leaning on one another and, yeah, Vax is pretty sure Pike is passed out on Grog. No one is actually angry, though. The van door shuts, the light flicks off, and the ride home begins.

 

Vax has a lot to occupy his thoughts.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Vox Machina goes on tour, due to tons of requests for it.

 

It's fun and wild and Vax feels like he's having the time of his life. They have another interview in every city, new venues, so many plane and car rides, way more fans than Vax anticipated. After every show there's an emptiness in him, but it's nothing he can't deal with, it's nothing that everyone else doesn't experience. He's tired, of course, but the feeling of being up there, of truly living, that makes up for any exhaustion hundredfold.

 

Vex and Keyleth start dating while they're on tour. That's honestly one of the best parts of the whole thing.

 

The worst part about it is Percy.

 

He's warm when they're performing, almost hot, all touch and tease just like always, his hands trailing fire wherever they wander. In their shared hotel room (because they're all so used to the arrangement by now that it's almost natural to sleep in the same room with the same people all the time), Percy is still affectionate, teases Vax by walking around half-naked with a lecherous wink when he sees Vax looking. But offstage with everyone else, Percy never touches Vax, not anymore. He holds Keyleth, touches her absently and she does the same to him, the contact so familiar it makes Vax think of himself and Vex. When the cameras roll Percy's back all over Vax, grinning his ridiculous tilted grin, kissing Vax's cheeks just because he isn't paying attention, calling him cute little names.

 

It gives Vax whiplash, how fast Percy can go from loving to distant and unaffected.

 

Pretty quick, only a couple weeks into their four month tour, Vax gets fed up with it. He's suffered through enough of the fake affection, he feels, and it's completely pathetic to be yearning after your band member in the first place, but Vax honestly can't take it anymore. He hates how he soaks up the attention lavished on him, how he tells himself it's not fake this time, Percy really does like him back.

 

It comes to a head after their seventh show, because of course Vax can't just suck it up and deal until the tour is over.

 

Percy is particularly handsy that night, spurred on by the crowd with their screams, their signs bearing “PERC'ILDAN” unashamedly, Vax's own half-hearted participation because he likes to give his fans what they want as much as the next guy. The problem is Percy doesn't let up even when Vax, backstage and whispering, asks him to tone it down. That's his problem.

 

After the show Vax is hurt, he's aching in an unpleasant way, he feels the ghost of Percy's firebrand hands on him, the press of lips against Vax's cheek that turned his stomach. He wants distance between Percy and himself. Percy follows him, hounding at his heels with the kind of smile that makes Vax want to run as fast as he can, outpace Percy even with his long legs. He won't do it, though, because he's got to pretend, he's always got to pretend and it's so hard to want to. Especially right now. There's pain and anger bubbling in his chest and so he retreats into the dressing room, Percy ducking in before Vax can lock him out.

 

“Can you please leave?” Vax says, whines. “I just want a minute of alone time.”

 

Percy laughs, delighted at this game. “You can be alone with me, Vaxy-poo,” he says, making kissy faces at him like he's sharing a joke.

 

“Stop,” Vax says. “We're not even onstage, can you just stop it?”

 

“But Vax,” Percy says, frowning comically. “I wuv you.”

 

Vax doesn't understand what's so funny about this. Percy knows, he has to know that Vax is halfway in love with him. There's no way he hasn't noticed, he's always been the most observant in the whole group, and if Scanlan noticed, Percy definitely knows. So Vax doesn't get why he continues to mock him for it. “Fucking cut it out, quit acting like this,” Vax spits, real venom in his voice.

 

Percy adopts an expression of genuine confusion, then. “What's wrong? You've never had an issue with it before. It's for the fans, Vax.”

 

“I don't see any fans here.”

 

“Why are you being like this?” Percy says. He looks hurt, but Vax won't apologize when Percy is the instigator. “It's a joke.”

 

Maybe Vax shouldn't say what he says next.

 

“It's not a joke to me,” he says, because he wears his heart on his sleeve like a fool. “You know it isn't a joke to me.”

 

Percy pauses, his eyes narrowing like he's working something out. “Vax, what-”

 

Vax cuts him off, “Forget it, forget I said-” opening the door and trying to flee.

 

The door closes, Percy's hand sealing it over Vax's head. “Are you saying you-”

 

“I didn't say anything, you didn't hear-”

 

“Vax, are you-”

 

“Yes!” Vax shouts, finally looking Percy in the face. “What do you want to hear? I'm basically in love with you? I don't want to pretend it's something else anymore. I'm an idiot and you know how I feel and you still push me, you still pull all this fake lovey-dovey shit like you don't care! And I can't do it anymore. I don't know why you feel the need to push me until I break, but there you have it!” He's breathing heavy, trying to stay staunch when all he wants to do is hide away and never resurface.

 

Percy is staring at him. “I didn't know that you,” he stops, swallows. He moves his hand, eyes suddenly soft.

 

Vax makes his escape, dodging away from Percy and running, not looking back despite Percy calling him. He doesn't want Percy's pity, doesn't want to hear “I'm sorry but I just don't feel anything for you,” doesn't want “I can be your friend, nothing more,” doesn't want any of it because it's all bullshit. It's out there now, the elephant in the room. Vax just wants to be in another room already.

 

That night, Percy doesn't sleep in their hotel room. He doesn't for the rest of the tour.

 

Percy goes cold both onstage and off, no more teasing touching, no more kissing, no more anything. Vax pretends he isn't hurt by it, like it's what he wanted. Maybe if he pretends it doesn't hurt for long enough, it won't.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Vox Machina comes out with another album four months after that first tour ends. Vax helps compose songs on it, as per Scanlan's request. It reaches number one on several charts, even stays at the top for a record-breaking number of weeks on a couple. They film music videos for a few singles and enjoy their boom of popularity. Before they know it, they're touring again, giving more interviews, and appearing on more shows.

 

Percy doesn't refuse to room with Vax anymore, but gone is their easy chemistry, their late-night talks, their friendship. It feels like time has been rewound, like they're strangers again.

 

They're in Emon, their home city, when Percy brings his boyfriend to dinner. Vax just can't help but be relieved that he was wrong about Vex and Percy. His name is Kashaw and Vax can't bring himself to hate him. He's grumpy, sure, has a morbid sense of humor and is more than a little blunt, but he looks at Percy with such fondness and holds his hand all throughout the meal, laughs at his jokes, gets along with everyone easily despite his curtness. It hurts Vax deeply, but he thinks Kashaw might be better for Percy than he ever could be.

 

After that brief deviation from the norm, the status quo returns, and the tour resumes.

 

It's a long one, with shows in what feels like every city, some more than once, a handful of shows on different continents. They're sitting in a restaurant on an off night three months into the tour when Scanlan clears his throat and sits up straight, pulling everyone's attention to him with such little effort that it makes Vax envious.

 

“We should take a break,” he says. “We've worked hard for almost two years to get to where we are now. I think we deserve some downtime.”

 

Vox machina agrees, because they almost always agree with Scanlan in serious matters. At their next show they announce that when the tour ends, they'll be going on hiatus for an indefinite amount of time, but that they'll be back. Their official twitter tweets out the news right after the end of the concert. There's lots of replies of disappointment, but even more people are encouraging them to recuperate, some even expressing both in the same response.

 

The last shows of the tour are important in a new way, marking the end of an era, it seems. Vax doesn't know why it feels like so much like a permanent goodbye.

 

“I love you, my beautiful Critters,” Pike says at their finale, tears welling up in her eyes. “Thank you all so much for being here tonight, for sticking with us, for understanding. I'll miss you so much.”

 

“Yeah,” Grog says. “'M not at good at words as m' buddy Pike here, but I hope we'll see all of you again when we come back.”

 

Keyleth shifts on her feet, looking out over the crowd with infinite affection and a lot of fear. “It'll be okay, okay? We'll always be here for our Critters. We love every single one of you, and, uh, and I hope after our break, we, um,we can come back and share more happiness with you all. Thank you, I love you.”

 

The crowd roars when she's finished speaking, making her face flush darker.

 

Vex slings an arm around Keyleth's shoulder, having to aim high to even make it up all the way up there. “It means so much to us that you all came out to our last show of the SIEGE tour, it really does. We're going to miss this, darlings, we're going to miss you. Thank you for believing in us and making us who we are today.”

 

“I'm not sure how to express the amount of gratitude I feel towards you, Critters,” Percy says, one hand curled tight in the fabric of his shirt. “You've given me – us – so much. All I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

 

Vax doesn't know why he has to go second to last, is terrified he'll disappoint the fans when he presents the quick speech he's been rehearsing in his head for hours now. He takes a step forward, then another, until he's almost at the very edge of the stage, close enough to see individual faces. “It's not the end,” he says, soft. “We'll be back before you notice we were gone. Take care of yourselves, please. My mother always told me, 'be good, be kind.' So all you Critters, I want you to be good, be kind. Don't miss us too much. I love you.”

 

“I'm not usually a serious kind of guy, but let me be for just a second.” Scanlan joins Vax at the front of the stage, hand at the small of Vax's back like it always seems to be. “I'm proud of everyone tonight. I'm proud of Vox Machina, of our Critters, of the crew who've worked so hard to make everything run smoothly. I'm proud to call this community my family. Once, a long time ago, Vax here asked me how I kept smiling through all the stress and everything that goes on. I'll tell you what I told him then.”

 

Scanlan makes his way to center stage and Vox Machina follows, as they'll always follow him.

 

He clears his throat and Vax sees the shimmer of tears on his cheeks. “Everything before this was not as good, this is better. That's why I keep smiling, because it's better now. In times of darkness there will always be better waiting for you up ahead. Remember that. If you don't, that's fine, it'll probably be all over the internet by tomorrow morning anyway and you'll wish you could get rid of it.” He pauses here for dramatic effect because he's a true showman, eyes twinkling. “Goodnight Critters, goodnight Emon. We love you.”

 

And the lights switch off.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Vax starts working on his solo album, because ever since Scanlan brought it up over a year ago he's been thinking about it. And it's a solo album, definitively. He refuses to let anyone write lyrics for him, but he does turn to Scanlan for help with composition. Two tracks feature Vex, and another has Pike and Scanlan. Other than that, it is Vax's labor of love, and his alone.

 

It's released four months into their hiatus, along with music videos and interviews, and Vax even sets up a livestream to talk to fans about it for a while.

 

The album tops charts, even international ones, and Vax cries onstage when he receives his first award for it. It's deeply personal, a mix of soft and sad, fun and upbeat, songs to dance to and listen to when you're down in the dumps. Two songs do exceptionally well commercially: one of his duets with Vex and the song Scanlan first had him write. But his most popular song by far is 'Catharsis,' an eclectic song that features a mishmash of piano solos and pop sounds.

 

Vax never admits it to anyone, has sworn himself to secrecy on the matter, but he wrote the song about Percy.

 

After that, Vax doesn't quite go on his own tour, but he performs a lot. He's asked to be on talk shows, guest on TV shows, give interviews, sometimes with other members of Vox Machina but sometimes not. Somehow, he becomes the most prominent musical figure in their group, and it makes him feel guilty most of the time. Everyone else is busy with their own lives, though.

 

Vex delves into acting, Pike takes it upon herself to learn new languages and instruments, Keyleth travels a lot but mostly spends time with Percy when she's in town, Percy and Scanlan produce and compose and write lyrics for multiple groups, and Grog gets into boxing and wrestling. He even starts dating one of the boxers, a huge dude by the name of Kern. They're cute together, and all the fans freak out about it online.

 

Over the course of the hiatus, Vox Machina slowly moves out of the apartment they've shared the whole time they've been a band.

 

Percy is the first to move out, surprising exactly no one. He's still going strong with Kashaw and when Kashaw asks Percy to move in with him, they're all settled in together after a week. Vax still feels a dull ache when he thinks of Percy sometimes, and on the rare occasions when he feels actively bad about it he listens to 'Catharsis' over and over again until he can't stand to hear it any longer.

 

Next is Keyleth, who moves out simply because she says she's ready to settle down somewhere and she wants a garden. Vex moves out with her, and Vax sleeps in her bed for a week before Pike convinces him to go back to his old room.

 

For a while, Vax is the fourth wheel on Scanlan, Grog, and Pike's easy friendship. He's friends with them all, of course, but the bond they have is something Vax can never be a part of.

 

Because Vax is himself and he doesn't quite know how else to process emotion, he writes music. He's supposed to be taking a break from it, but ever since he was young he's made up little melodies with spurts of lyrics and it's a hard habit to curb. Most of it doesn't amount to anything, but sometimes he finds a gem that sticks with him, begs to be something. That's where he gets songs like 'Catharsis' and when an interviewer asks about his writing process, that's the answer he gives.

 

Then Grog goes, and Pike of course leaves soon after him.

 

Nine months into Vox Machina's hiatus, Scanlan and Vax are the only two left in their home.

 

They have fun together, they go clubbing or barhopping, invite people back to the apartment if they're charming and clean. It's easy to forget the sadder aspects of life when you're around Scanlan. He brightens every room, every heart, grins wide and winks like the two of you share a secret no one else knows. But Vax gets to know another side of him, too. That Scanlan is like a reliable older brother, supportive and kind, he believes in you even if no one else in the world does. He gives good advice and care and makes Vax feel like he really does belong somewhere again.

 

On one night, they're drunk in the living room, listening to music and shooting the shit, when 'The Trick About Falling' comes on.

 

Time seems to hold still, the apartment is a bubble floating away with Scanlan and Vax in it. Scanlan hums along to it, and Vax joins in at the first chorus. Maybe this is a form of catharsis, too. Vax taps out the notes in the air, making Scanlan laugh a little to himself. He mimics Grog hammering away at the drums, completely serious, and it makes Vax choke on his drink. The last note fades out and the next song in the playlist begins, but they don't pay much attention to it.

 

“I miss Vox Machina,” Scanlan says.

 

Vax nods. “Me, too. Despite everything, I miss touring.”

 

Scanlan raises his glass in agreement and swallows the rest of it down. “We should start working on our next album, I think. We don't have to finish it or release it anytime soon, but I want to feel useful again.”

 

“We need Percy for that, though,” Vax says, glum.

 

“Since when do you call him Percy?” Scanlan says, gently teasing. When Vax is silent for a little too long, he looks over.

 

'Catharsis' is playing, because of fucking course it is. Vax stares down into his glass, that same old melancholy riding unbidden to the forefront of his mind. “I miss him,” Vax admits, soft.

 

Scanlan sighs. “What even happened between you two? You never told us.”

 

Vax shrugs, draining his own glass and setting on the coffee table. “Remember when we were first getting started and you told me not to do anything to mess shit up? Well, I did.”

 

“But what did you do? The two of you fought, right? That much we could tell,” Scanlan says. He's leaning forward now, eyes a little glassy but still keen.

 

“I fell in love with him,” Vax admits, the drink loosening his lips. “And I told him, and he rejected me. Just shut me out completely, didn't talk to me for weeks. Shit, last time I spoke to him was the day he moved out, and that was just a goodbye.”

 

Scanlan doesn't say anything for a long time, and when he does, it's just, “I'm sorry to hear that.”

 

Once that conversation is out of the way, Vax and Scanlan get to work on the next album, slow and steady. They'll take their time with it, make it as close to perfect as it's gonna get, and hopefully it'll be near perfect for its audience, too. They don't tell anyone else they're working on it, preferring for the moment to not disturb anyone's break or make them think they need to release something new as soon as possible.

 

Along the way, Vax and Scanlan compile enough content to make their own EP, just the two of them. So they do.

 

It goes pretty well. They have a good time with it, promote it some, do a few shows. There's no tour for it, since it only has four songs, but the fans seem to enjoy the new music, and Scanlan and Vax make ridiculous music videos for all four songs. It's a fun detour from their work for Vox Machina, but once they're done with shows for the EP, another distraction from their album crops up, this one decidedly less fun.

 

Vex is hospitalized.

 

When Vax hears the news, he's off like a shot as soon as he knows which hospital it is, tearing through Emon's streets without a care in the world except for his sister. The receptionist knows who he is, says Vex is asleep but he can see her as soon as he wakes up. He's directed to the waiting room, where Grog, Keyleth, and Kern all sit.

 

“What the hell happened,” Vax demands.

 

Apparently they were at a bar, because of course they were, and some guy started harassing Keyleth and was touching her, swearing at her, trying to intimidate her, so Vex pushed him. They started brawling and the guy broke a glass over her head at some point. Grog made it over to them and knocked the guy out after he stabbed Vex with a knife he was carrying. Vex was in worse condition, but the asshole who stabbed her didn't escape without getting fucked up, himself.

 

Scanlan comes in when they're recounting the story, wearing his obnoxious purple sweater with “SEX MACHINE” written across it. He always wears it at the worst moments, but it does manage to make Vax laugh, which is sorely needed.

 

What isn't needed is Scanlan joking to cope with his stress.

 

“You guys have all the fun! I need to start hanging out with you more often, maybe I can get stabbed by some shitty club guy, too,” he says. Something about it makes Vax furious.

 

He turns on Scanlan. “Can you be serious for once? My twin sister is literally in the hospital right now and you're gonna sit here and make stupid jokes about it? I don't know what makes you think this is funny, but if Grog hadn't gotten there when he did Vex might have died. Who knows what would've happened?”

 

Scanlan holds out his hands placatingly, trying to cool that fire burning in Vax's eyes. “Calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry,” he says. “I didn't mean it like that. She's important to me, too. Just thought I would try to lighten the mood, but I can see that that joke was a little out of line.”

 

Vax deflates, sinking into a chair and putting his hands over his face. “No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that. I know you're worried. This is just. She's my twin, and I feel so useless right now.”

 

“It's okay,” Scanlan says. “It's okay, Vax. She's okay, she'll be okay. All of us will be okay. Okay?”

 

Vax nods, and when Scanlan wraps him up in a hug he can't help the tears that slip from his eyes.

 

The hospital holds Vex for a couple days, and Pike even flies in from whatever country she was off doing missionary work in to keep her company for a while. The only member of Vox Machina who never comes to visit her in the hospital, Vax notes with bitterness, is Percy. But Vax shouldn't be surprised. As far as he knows, Percy hasn't made contact with anyone in the group since he moved out of the apartment. He probably doesn't even know Vex was hurt.

 

When she's discharged, Vex goes home with Keyleth and Vax follows, unwilling to let his sister out of his sight. Vex tolerates it probably only because she's glad to see him, too. It's been a while.

 

Vax resolves to stay in the guest bedroom for a week, that's all he'll allow himself to intrude on her, and on the third day there's a knock on the front door that Vax answers because he's the closest. When he opens it, he almost shuts it immediately, but he's more mature than that, so instead he glares. He steps outside and closes the door so Vex and Keyleth don't hear what is sure to be an argument.

 

“What do you want?” he asks.

 

Percy shuffles awkwardly, a nice-looking bouquet held in front of him like a shield. Vax hasn't so much has seen Percy in an entire year now, not since the last concert of their tour. Seeing him now causes those old embers to light in Vax's chest, much to his dismay. He looks the same, still soft around the edges, still wearing the round glasses, though it's a different pair now. His jaw is still crooked, as it's always been, he still wears sweaters that reach his mid-thighs. And despite everything, Vax still loves him.

 

“I didn't know you would be here,” Percy says, almost to himself. “Ah, I wanted to give these to Vex. And, um, wish her well. I heard about what happened.”

 

Vax's jaw tightens. “But you didn't come visit her in the hospital.”

 

Percy sighs. “I don't like hospitals. I figured she would be okay if I came just a little bit later.”

 

“You didn't see her at her worst,” Vax says. “She was pretty rough, you know? But you think it's fine if you show up now that she's home and doing better? You think you can just come in like you care when you obviously didn't even care enough to be there for her when she was in bad shape?”

 

“I do care about her, Vax,” Percy says, sounding angry now. “You aren't her only friend in the world. She's my family too.”

 

Vax scoffs, rough and cruel. “Oh really? You're a part of our family? Where the fuck have you been for the past year, then? If you actually cared, you should have shown it earlier. It's too late for that now.”

 

“Why are you being like this?” Percy says.

 

“I bet you didn't even know she was in the hospital until she got out!” Vax accuses, jabbing a finger at Percy.

 

Percy laughs at him, still holding those fucking flowers but his fingers are a little tighter on them now. “That's rich, Vax, that's really funny. Because you accuse me of being out of the loop but guess what? I went out to dinner with Vex and Keyleth the night before she was hurt, and she told me that she hadn't seen you in months. Months, Vax. I check in with everyone multiple times a week, not that you would know. Do you even know that she and Keyleth are engaged?”

 

Vax's breath catches in his throat. Engaged? Vex told Percy she was engaged before she told her own twin brother? He swallows thickly, and watches as darkness falls over Percy's eyes.

 

“That's what I thought. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go give these to Vex,” he says. Percy pushes past Vax and into the house. Vax makes no move to stop him.

 

Is he really so out of touch? He knows he's been paying a lot of attention to his own career lately, that he and Scanlan have been off in their own little world. But Percy keeps up with everyone except Vax. He hadn't known Vex was engaged, hadn't even given thought to her and Keyleth's relationship since they moved out. Were Percy and Kashaw engaged, too? Were Grog and Kern? Vax is overwhelmed with the feeling that he's been a bad friend and an even worse brother.

 

So he leaves, escapes to the studio and starts writing furiously.

 

He turns his phone off, locks the door, and loses himself in the music. He works his feelings out through song, even coming up with choreography to some of it because he needs to do something with himself. Vax spends almost a full week in the studio before Scanlan comes to check on him, because Scanlan understands he needs space when he gets like this.

 

“So you talked to Percy, then,” Scanlan says.

 

Vax doesn't turn to look at him, but nods. He knows Scanlan sees it by the way he can hear his footsteps drawing closer, and the soft touch to his shoulder.

 

“You're still in love with him,” Scanlan says.

 

Vax hesitates, nods again. His eyes are blurring from staring at the computer for so long but he thinks he'll break apart if he meets Scanlan's eyes.

 

“Oh, Vax,” Scanlan says.

 

He knows. He knows.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

The months pass quickly. Vax and Scanlan bring Percy into the songwriting fold. Vax goes back to pretending, and it's like slipping into an old pair of jeans that doesn't quite fit anymore.

 

Vax keeps some songs for himself, for his next solo album, but most of what he writes is for Vox Machina. It's weird to write with Percy and Scanlan, when he's so used to writing by himself or just with Scanlan. Percy adds a new layer to the relationship that Vax is distinctly unsure of. Scanlan helps put Vax at ease.

 

They get everyone together again in order to record their next album. It's weird to have Vox Machina in one room again after so long.

 

It goes much like the other albums did. It drops, it performs well, they go on tour for a few months. Vax has several sets of his own, along with a couple he does with other members and not the full group. He looks into the crowd each night and sees signs with his name all over the place. The fans love him, and it makes him feel like a king.

 

The feeling doesn't quiet fade even when the tour is over and he's left alone with Scanlan in the apartment again. He finds things to do.

 

Vax releases another solo album, goes on a world tour for over six months, then comes back to Emon. Keyleth and Vex want to make a duo album, so Vax helps them out. They go on tour, and eventually return to Emon. Scanlan drops his own mini-album and goes on a short tour that he drags Vax along on. When Scanlan and Vax return to Emon, Vex wants Vax to be her best man. How could he refuse?

 

Percy is the other best man, and it's awkward for he and Vax to help Vex and Keyleth, but they suck it up.

 

Vex wants a typical Emon wedding, refusing to so much as think about having a ceremony that pays homage to the other half of her family. She doesn't really even want Syldor to attend. Grog requests to be the flower boy, and Velora, Vex and Vax's young half-sister that their father never lets them see, is the ring bearer. It's a nice ceremony. Pike officiates it, Grog skips down the aisle in a cute little dress he insists on wearing, Velora can't stop grinning up at her sister. The vows are said, Vex and Keyleth kiss, they walk down the aisle, and then it's time for the reception.

 

The two best men give heartfelt speeches, Vax absolutely cries during his and Percy tears up a little. Vex and Keyleth share their first dance, and Vax and Percy then have to do it themselves.

 

It's one of Vox Machina's slow songs that plays, because Vex and Keyleth are sentimental and love to see their brothers suffer. Percy is an excellent ballroom dancer, and Vax remembers torturous lessons from his childhood that made him okay at it. They don't speak when they dance, hardly look at each other. Vax closes his eyes and lets himself believe, for just a moment, that they're in another world where there is no Kashaw, no bad blood, no self-imposed distance. It's just him and Percy and the music.

 

But perfect worlds don't exist. The dance ends, Percy lets go of Vax like he's been burned, and reality comes crashing back in.

 

Scanlan subtly pats Vax on the back when no one is looking, comforting him. Vax dances with various people throughout the reception, fulfilling his social obligations. His last dance is with his sister, and he spins her across the floor, tears in both their eyes even as they laugh together. When their dance is over, Vax holds her close and presses kisses into her fancily-done hair.

 

“I love you, sister,” he tells her.

 

She laughs like a sob into his chest. “I love you, too, brother.”

 

He watches her go, leaving with her new bride to have their honeymoon, and Vax hopes she has the best life possible with Keyleth.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

For the band's fifth anniversary, Vox Machina compiles an album of songs they recorded but never released, whether they be solo songs, duets, full group songs, or whatever. The fans fawn over it and a limited tour just for the album takes place over the course of two months.

 

During those two months, they have two shows in Emon. After both of them, Percy sleeps in the apartment with Vax and Scanlan. Vax doesn't think much of it.

 

When Percy moves back in, though, then Vax is confused.

 

“Why are you moving back in?” Vax asks when Percy's stuff is in the girls' old room.

 

Percy pauses where he's tucking his clothes away into the closet. He clears his throat. “Kash broke up with me,” he says.

 

“Oh,” Vax says. “I'm sorry.”

 

“Me, too,” Percy says, and will say nothing more on the subject.

 

From there, he slips back into Vax's life. Where Vax and Scanlan used to do things alone, now Percy comes with them. It's fun. They drink a lot, play a lot of video games, and it's so easy for Vax to fall into the old friendship he once had with Percy that he doesn't try to fight it. It's nice to have him around again.

 

Scanlan looks at Percy with those perceptive eyes of his. “You're still in love with him, aren't you?” he says, but it isn't judgmental.

 

“I think I always will be,” Vax answers honestly.

 

Scanlan just nods and drops the issue.

 

Vax dives into helping guide young aspiring singers, mostly because he has nothing else to do.

 

One boy in particular, Kynan, becomes Vax's protégé. He teaches Kynan how to compose and write music, shows him what he knows about dancing, helps train his vocal range and affirm his confidence in his voice. It takes half a year for Kynan to feel ready, but he eventually is. Kynan looks to Vax with stars in his eyes, and it feels like he gains a little brother. Vax produces Kynan's first album himself, promotes him, and when the album is a hit, when Kynan begins winning awards,Vax isn't ashamed to admit that he cries after Kynan thanks him in acceptance speeches.

 

Kynan is where Vax's entire focus lays for months. It gives him a sense of accomplishment, like he's finally doing something meaningful, and he knows he really is making a difference. 

 

It's what inspires Vax to open up an academy of sorts for hopeful musicians. 

 

There's no required label the artists have to sign with, it's just a way for Vax to help young people find a way to make music. The school teaches them everything they'll need to know be successful, and Vax vets teachers personally. He doesn't want anyone taken advantage of, just feels the need to provide something he wishes he'd had when he was getting started. Artists in the next generation of popular groups and solo acts come from Vax's academy, and it makes him infinitely proud to see the people he considers his kids doing well for themselves. 

 

When he looks up from his business, it's been over a year. Vox Machina is fast approaching their seventh year as a band, and though they're all bound by the years between them, they're able to live their own lives, too. 

 

Percy is an attentive and loving uncle to a whole gaggle of children by this point and spends lots of time in Whitestone, Grog and Kern are finally engaged, Vex and Keyleth are discussing parenthood, Pike has finally settled down in Emon and is no longer off traveling the world, and Scanlan has a steady boyfriend for the first time. Vax has his school, he has Kynan's upcoming tour that he's going with him on, but he feels weirdly lonely. It's odd to think that all his friends are becoming domestic, that they're all nearing thirty. He doesn't know where the time went. 

 

Vax attends Kynan's tour. It's wonderful, as he expects it to be. He finds that he misses touring a lot. 

 

It lingers with him, following him back to Emon, where he finds Percy is back from one of his extended trips to Whitestone. Percy grins easily at him when Vax comes back, still the same one after these seven long years. Scanlan is in, too, and the three of them share a home-cooked dinner that evening like a family. 

 

Vax looks across the table to Scanlan and Percy. “I want to get the band back together.” 

 

Percy and Scanlan look to each other, then back to Vax. 

 

They both shrug, and it's settled. 

 

 

_\- - -_

 

 

After they release the album and go on tour, their first explicitly labeled as a world tour and lasting almost eight months because they're having a blast, life returns to crawling steadily forward. 

 

Vex and Keyleth decide to have a child and Keyleth carries them, making Vex even more doting and protective than usual. Grog and Kern get married in a small, private ceremony that only close friends and family are invited to. Scanlan introduces the group to his boyfriend, Gern, and though they tease each other relentlessly and constantly poke fun at each other, Vax can tell Scanlan is happier than he's been in a long time, especially when Gern asks Scanlan to move in with him. Pike gets involved in Vax's school, finding joy in mentoring the artists of tomorrow and she devoting herself fully to their wellbeing. 

 

Percy and Vax spend a lot of time together. It's like when Vax was in the apartment with Scanlan again, just two friends hanging out. Even though Vax falls a little more in love with Percy every day and that didn't quite happen with Scanlan. 

 

Vax wants to be around Percy always. He wants to see him happy and secure, preferably with Vax, but as long as Percy wants for nothing Vax is good to go. Every so often Vax catches Percy looking at him with something unnameable in his eyes. He never brings it up because at this point, it could be disastrous. He lost Percy once because he was foolish and impulsive. Vax won't ever make the same mistake, doesn't know if he could forgive himself if he did. 

 

Time drags on. Their eighth anniversary passes. 

 

Scanlan discovers he has a daughter. Kaylie is thirteen and angry with him but he loves her. He commits himself to ensuring she lives comfortably, that she is healthy and can achieve anything she wants in life. Vax isn't sure Gern would ever admit it, but he loves Kaylie, too. 

 

Pike announces that she has a girlfriend. Her name is Lyra and she is petite where Pike is muscled, gauche where Pike is charming in an angelic kind of way. They don't stop holding hands the entire time Pike is showing Lyra off, and Vax finds them adorable. 

 

Vex and Keyleth have their child, a little girl they name Vilya after Keyleth's mother. She's gorgeous and all of Vox Machina fall in love with her at first sight. Vax can't help but cry over his little niece, and as he holds her for the first time he makes up his mind that yeah, someday in the future he wants his own. But for now he'll just spoil the hell out of Vilya. 

 

All this change makes Vax understand how stagnant his own life is. He's been in the same apartment for nine years now, been in unreciprocated love with the same person for eight, his life is just a cycle of rinse and repeat. But he doesn't know what to do about it. 

 

He takes Kynan to dinner one night under the guise of talking about Kynan's upcoming new album. 

 

“You're young, Kynan,” Vax says. It's true, Kynan is only nineteen, an age that feels like it was lifetimes ago for Vax. “Do you think I'm too old for this business?” 

 

Kynan gives him a look. “You're twenty-eight.” 

 

Vax looks down into his drink. “I feel older than twenty-eight.” 

 

“Holy shit, you're being ridiculous,” Kynan says. “I hope I'm not as dramatic as you when I'm twenty-eight.” 

 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Vax goes on as if Kynan hadn't spoken. 

 

“Sure.” 

 

Vax fixes him with a hard stare. “I'm serious, you can't tell anyone.” 

 

Kynan rolls his eyes. “I know how secrets work.” 

 

“I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore,” Vax admits. He sighs. “I've been doing the same shit for years and I'm just. I don't know. I'm tired. At first it felt like I would never get over this kind of life. When I'm onstage I still feel that way. But right now I just feel, well, empty. I have for years, I think.” 

 

Silence reigns in their niche of the restaurant for several moments, Kynan looking at Vax like he's trying to figure out a particularly enigmatic riddle. Kynan finally reaches forward and lays his hand over Vax's, and his calculation has turned to sympathy. 

 

“If you're tired of it, you aren't obliged to keep doing this, Vax,” he says. 

 

Vax swallows. “I'm afraid if I don't have anything to do I'll lose my mind.” 

 

Kynan squeezes his hand. “Then look for something that makes you happy.” 

 

Like the lovesick fool he is, Vax's mind wanders to Percy. Percy's always made him happy, except for when Vax's heart aches for him. In recent times, Percy has been a source of comfort and familiarity, an anchor in a world that Vax doesn't quite recognize anymore. 

 

“You could just tell him,” Kynan says. 

 

Vax doesn't bother asking how Kynan knows, he doesn't really care to learn how he found out. “I told him years ago and it caused a huge rift between us.” 

 

Kynan shrugs. “A lot can change over the course of a few years. He might feel differently, now. What do you have to lose?” 

 

“Him,” Vax answers instantly. “It's happened before.” 

 

“As long as I've know you, I've known you were in love with him,” Kynan says. “Everyone can see it, Vax. I think you should just tell him, and you'll be happier if you do.” 

 

Vax frowns. “What if he turns me down again?” 

 

Kynan tightens his hold on Vax's hand almost to the point of hurting. “Then he can fuck off. He isn't worth wasting your time on. How much of your life have you spent pining after him? I'm a little biased, but if he doesn't see how great you are by now then he's a dumbass.” 

 

Vax laughs to himself, quiet. “Thanks, Kynan. I'll think about it.” He extracts his hand from Kynan's grip. “Onto your album...” 

 

 

_\- - -_

 

 

After that, Vax finally decides to take action. 

 

It takes a while. The ninth anniversary of Vox Machina passes. He does some reckless shit in the interim, such as not emerging from the studio for over a week since Scanlan isn't there to drag him out again, foregoing sleep entirely for three days because he's working out the precise way for this specific chord to progress, eating a frozen pizza he finds in the bottom of the fridge that's been expired for seven years. He has a need to make the song completely perfect, without a flaw. It's possibly the most important song he'll ever write. 

 

He emerges from this blur of work and not enough sleep with a single song. It took him three months to get the lyrics just right, another two just to figure out the chorus, and five months were consumed by the composition of it. 

 

But it's perfect, and in time for Vox Machina's tenth anniversary. 

 

Scanlan gathers the team together and says, “I don't know about you guys, but I think this might be my last hurrah.” 

 

Because Vox Machina would follow him anywhere, but they're getting a little tired, themselves, they agree. Vox Machina's tenth anniversary will be their last. For now. 

 

An album is put together to celebrate it, due to be released on the day that their very first album was. Vax doesn't give them his song, but mentions it to Scanlan only so that it can be sung onstage during their last concert. Vax has always had a flair for the dramatic, and he doesn't know a bigger statement he could make than one in front of all their fans. 

 

They aren't going to go on tour, don't have time for it between their kids (Keyleth and Vex are expecting a second little girl and Kaylie's just enrolled in Vax's academy) and the other things life is throwing at them (Lyra wants to marry Pike and move to Vasselheim for a while, Kern is going to the heavyweight world championships and Grog can't miss it). But Vox Machina has promised to give this one final concert for the foreseeable future. 

 

It’s called the Cinder King Farewell Address, after the ancient dragon that was said to be slain in Emon. Of course the concert will be in Emon. They end where they began. 

 

The concert goes well. Tickets sell out in under an hour but there are multiple livestreams covering it so everyone who wants to watch is able to. They put their all into it, Keyleth not quiet as energetic as everyone else since she’s with child, but she still manages to be a beacon of joy and warmth. Shockingly, Vax recognizes some faces in the front rows of the audience from past concerts and tours and meet-and-greets. Some fans have grown with them, been there since the beginning, and Vax is sure they think of Vox Machina as old friends because he sees them the same way.

 

Their setlist includes songs from every album they’ve released, even the solo projects. When Vax and Scanlan perform a song off their album, Scanlan has a few tears in his eyes. Vax is in the same boat when he does a duet with Vex.

 

It truly feels like an end, and Vax thinks back to their first hiatus, the last concert that felt so much like goodbye. He realizes now that he’d had no clue what a real farewell felt like back then. This, being up on an achingly familiar stage for what could be the last time ever, this is what the end is. His family is around him, all smiling like their lives depend on it, the last rodeo some of these cowboys will ever ride in. Vox Machina slays the Cinder King together.

 

Finally, it comes time for Vax’s song. It wasn’t in the rehearsal due to his conspiring with the showrunners, so Vox Machina, except ever-wise Scanlan, look surprised that the planned last set isn’t happening.

 

He drags a stool to the middle of the stage, alone on the huge expanse of it and feeling minuscule. But Vax knows he’s part of something much greater. A single spotlight falls on him, he can hear the crowd’s screams, his family in his ear asking questions that are quietened by Scanlan. Vax clears his throat, adjusts the mics in front of him. He hasn’t recorded the song, so he’s going to have to play a live acoustic version.

 

“Hey, Critters,” he says. “It’s been a minute, hasn’t it? I hope you have your cameras ready. This is an unrecorded song, and I never will record it. If everything goes to plan, this will be the only time I ever perform it.”

 

A low roar rises from the crowd at that, and Vax smiles out at them.

 

“I worked hard on this one. I worked on it for ten months, made it flawless.” His smile turns sheepish. “I’m only human, so I’m probably gonna mess something up in it. Promise you won’t laugh, okay? This is the most important song I’ve ever put to paper. Cheesily enough, it’s a love song.”

 

He strums the acoustic on his lap once, a quick note just to make sure he isn’t losing them.

 

Vax takes a breath to steel himself. “This is ‘I Should’ve Told You,’ a song dedicated to, um, well. You’ll figure it out.”

 

The chords are ingrained into his memory by now, his fingers moving automatically to coax those rich notes from his guitar. It’s slow and sad, what Vax feels like the past ten years of his life have been building up to. His voice erupts out of his chest, deep and soulful in a way he typically avoids in his music. But this is the way Percy sings, and Vax will do what it takes to establish that connection.

 

He pours all his emotion into the song, the decade of longing and wanting and wishing. Vax stubbornly blinks tears away.

 

It’s from a place deep inside him, and he knows his voice cracks on a couple words, but Vax feels powerful and comfortable on this stage, singing this song. It’s his truth, and he’s going to sing it. Even if he’s turned down, even if his heart is broken, Vax has cleared the way for healing.

 

The guitar carries him away, his eyes closing as he feels it. Vax is untouchable. Kynan was right, Scanlan was right. But what Vax didn’t know this whole time is that it was okay.

 

“I should’ve told you,” he sings. “It’s catharsis, its forever, it’s a million things in one. I’m yours if you want me. I’m yours even if you don’t.”

 

His fingers still on the strings. He bows his head.

 

A hand touches his shoulder and he looks up, right into Percy’s wide eyes. He’s smiling, crying, and he leans in to press his forehead to Vax’s. “You did tell me,” he says. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

 

Percy’s lips touch his, and the world condenses to that single point.

 

Vax kisses back, unafraid.

 

 

\- - -

 

  
Vex and Keyleth have their second daughter, just as beautiful as Vilya, who stares wide-eyed at her baby sister like she’s the best thing in the world. Her name is Elaina, after Vex and Vax’s mother this time. Velora cries the first time Vilya calls her “aunt.”

 

Kaylie does exceptionally in Vax’s academy, and all of Vox Machina attends her graduation with tears in their eyes. Gern cries the hardest.

 

Kern doesn’t win world heavyweight champion that year, but he does the year after. Grog never stops bragging about being married to someone he considers more successful than himself.

 

Pike and Lyra do end up moving to Vasselheim with assurances that anyone can visit at any time. Vox Machina calls them once a week to have dinner together from opposite sides of the globe. When Kynan’s on his first world tour, he joins them every week.

 

Vax and Percy settle down. They visit Whitestone a lot, and Vax is welcomed easily into the family. They’re happy, and they’re healthy and safe and in love. It took a lot of work, there were a lot of misunderstandings that make Vax laugh to think about nowadays, but they made it against all odds.

 

The problem is that Vax wishes he could go back and tell his younger self that he definitely wants to share a room with Percy, that it will be the best thing that ever happens to him, though sometimes it will feel like the worst. He wants to shake some sense into himself, march back to Percy on the night he impulsively confessed and tell him it’s real, he means it, he’s truly in love. He can’t, of course, because the magic that that would require doesn’t exist in their world now, if it ever did.

 

What’s a few years in exchange for forever?

 

“I’m yours,” he tells Percy.

 

Percy smiles. “One more time.”

 

Vax kisses him, sealing the promise between their lips. “I’m yours. Always.”

 

“I’m yours, too,” Percy says.

 

They get rid of the apartment. None of them need it anymore. Letting it go is Vax’s ultimate catharsis.

 

But other things, he’ll hold onto.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> come rock out w me on tumblr [@aramente](http://aramente.tumblr.com)


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